My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
