i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
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