WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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