Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Randomize
