Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
