also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
