so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
