my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
