Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
