Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
