somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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