Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
