Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
