mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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