my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
