did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
