I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
