This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
