it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
