i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Is Oprah even human
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
