I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
