New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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