my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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