My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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