i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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