ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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