you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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