I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
