I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
