i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
