Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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