Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
God I need to hump something, right now.
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