I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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