guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
