i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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