My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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