I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
