Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
