i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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