Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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