I can text with my tongue
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
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