Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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