If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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