I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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