im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Rumble strips road head = magical
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
