I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
