shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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