I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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