Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
