I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
