he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
